When You Wake Up Sun Will Shine...

And so goes the countdown.  One year into your all-time favorite blog, one year to go to 40.  Today I am 39.

I don’t like the 9 so much.  Not because I’m afraid of what comes next, but because no one trusts a woman on a 9.  That’s always the year we hold on to.  I had no idea how old my grandmother was when she died.  And then Dad told me that she was 39 for six years.  I’m sure she would’ve been grateful for new math when her obituary was published.
It was when I turned 29 that I started lying up about my age.  I’d tell people I was 32 so no one would be suspicious of my 9.  And because they thought I’d crossed the threshold into 30, they all told me how gorgeous I was.  It’s an ingenious way to get unsolicited compliments, so I’ve stuck by that little self-esteem hack.  But no bullshit—today I am 39.

I come into this new year with a new job, a new car, new hair, two new permanent scars.  A new sleep wrinkle.  One less (almost) tattoo.  Countless new shoes.  New ticket stubs to add to my collection.  A few more books read.  I gained 15 pounds, so I lost 16.  (Take that slowing metabolism!)

I said hello.
I said goodbye for a little while.
I said goodbye forever.
I didn’t say anything at all.
Not really any different from any other year in the life.  But now I am one year less likely to make a baby without Downs Syndrome.  One year less likely to catch the eye of a sexual predator.  One year less likely to hold the attention of the kid at the record store.
But I still bruise my knees like a 10 year old girl.  Still walk around with the fear that someone’s gonna find out that I have no idea what I’m doing.  And stay forever thankful that eye rolling doesn’t cause fine lines.
I can’t help this feeling that I’m working toward something.  Like there is some goal out there to be reached.  I’m not coasting.  Things are changing.  Maybe for the better.  Or maybe some of the worst things to ever happen to me are coming—who knows?

I stay ready for anything.  Always have.  So bring it, 9.  I don't believe anything you say, and I'm not afraid of you.