Someone’s Getting Old & Bitter (Spoiler Alert: It’s Me!): Grammy Edition
The Grammys gave me the blues last night. Because of all the
tributes and in memoriams. And because of the general fucking suck of the whole
affair.
Here’s your half-hearted run down of all the ways the
Grammys broke my heart. In no particular order.
The Tributes
Who puts these people together? These A & R people are
out of control. It’s a sad state of
affairs when Demi Lovato and TYRESE got the crowd on their feet for Lionel
Richie. The only appropriate memorial
was for B.B.King—P.S. how does Bonnie Raitt still look exactly like she did in
1989? Speaking of…
The Hollywood Vampires—a close second to an appropriate homage,
but I can’t really speak to that as I started seizing about three seconds into
this. But what I missed during my blackout
was a deleted scene from Wayne’s World right?
Because none of those grown men were serious about that…right? OK, Matt Sorum probably was.
It pains me to say, but I was not completely nauseated by
Lady Gaga. Giving her the Bowie tribute
gave her the opportunity to do what she does best—completely plagiarize someone
else. And while I felt a little like I
was watching a locally famous drag king try for his big chance, Gaga really did
do it justice.
The Standing Ovations
Were the seats made of cheap fleece? Why couldn’t everybody just sit the fuck
down? The only deserved standing O’s
went to Kendrick Lamar and Alabama Shakes.
The Delusions of Grandeur
Justin Beiber’s performance with Diplo and Skrillex was
introduced as a major Grammy moment. All
I saw were three turds floppin’ around like pasty, noodle-armed idiots. No one is talking about that Grammy
moment. No one.
And Pitbull announced he was making history about half way
through his performance. If the history
was made by Daddy Yankee time travelling to the sixties and joining the cast of
Laugh-In, then mission accomplished.
Although it is nice to see he’s out of those white pants for the
season. Oh, and Sofia Vergara. That is all.
The Actual Awards
Meghan Trainor—Best New Artist. I’m not sure I have to say anything
here. Everybody already knows. But I guess you showed us when you were speed
bouncing for your life through that mid-tempo Richie number. Do your thing Boo.
Honorable Mentions
Ellie Goulding’s new lips.
Common high as gas on the pre-show red carpet.
Verdin White.
Bouncy’s doily dress.
Tay Tay Swift’s complete lack of humility.
Gwen Stefani’s complete lack of shame.
And the highlight of my night, this text from a friend on
the west coast:
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