Valentime's Edition
One of my many "why not?" life choices involved a not so short stint as a manager of an adult novelty store. Valentine's, of course, was always the busiest time of year--especially 15 minutes before closing the night of. So cuddle up with your lovey:
16 Things I Learned Slinging Sex Toys
1. Adult novelty stores always have THE best greeting cards.
2. Chocolate that looks like genitals never tastes good. And dick shaped suckers will cut the shit out of your mouth. Basically, don't eat food from a dildo store.
3. Every man in America thinks I know their wife.
4. Not one woman in America knows how to tie a corset.
5. You ain't gotta tell a gay man nothin' about nothin'.
6. Apparently lots of couples like to celebrate special occasions with first-time anal sex. The folks at Anal-Eze should just change their name to Spread-em Jenny, It's Your Man's Birthday.
7. Most men don't know they have a penis. They have dicks, cocks, members, rods, even 'things'. But look a man in they eye in the middle of a sex shop and say the word penis and see what kind of reaction you get.
8. No matter how small, or how butch, or what race they are, lesbians always go for the biggest, blackest, veiniest dongs.
9. So do straight men. (Buying for "a friend", of course.)
10. Pjur Eros Super Concentrated Lubricant. (now called Pjur Man after some litigation from the original German manufacturers) I whole-heartedly endorse this product! Though I've never used it for its intended purpose. I kept a bottle on hand for all sorts of emergencies. I used it on my cuticles, I rubbed it on my legs when my skirts had static cling, I used it on squeaky doors. I put it in my hair for shine and fly away control. If you've ever complimented me on my amazing hair, chances are, there was lube in it...
11. Those acrylic stripper shoes are really very comfortable.
12. Never put a glass dildo in a freezer or microwave--especially if
it is flecked with 24 karat gold.
13. The people who buy plastic penis everything for bachelorette parties really are the worst human beings you've ever met.
14. Women will buy a vibrating anything--shower poofies, roses, bunnies, scorpions, puppies...If it pulses with a fervor greater than or equal to an Oral B, bitch is puttin' it in her panties.
15. Actual, real-deal BDSM gear is terrifying. I'm not talking fuzzy handcuffs and 50 Shades of Bullshit--I'm talking electrocution kits, steel chastity belts, needle play. Definitely not for the faint of heart or skinny wallet, and definitely kept behind the counter.
16. People will agree with anything when they are talking to a total stranger (perceived expert) about their bits and the things they put on/in them. One of my co-workers and I used to challenge each other to use words like excrement and clitosaurus with customers. And not one of them ever got the joke. They all squinted and nodded as if the information they were hearing was just as valuable as what they'd get at a physician's office.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Love,
Dr. Lubehair Dildoslinger
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