I feel the pain of everyone, then I feel nothing...

I’m not sure I really do the New Year’s resolution thing.  At least not in the sense that I make any kind of commitment to improving myself.  The New Year and birthdays always make me hopeful, and I just can’t go into it setting myself up for failure like that.  So I sometimes I actually try to make myself a less useful human being.  Example:  In 2014 I planned a wedding, so in 2015 I decided I wasn’t going to lift a finger for anything at all.  And I didn’t.  I volunteered only enough of my time to be able to look at myself in the mirror, and everything and everyone else was on their own.  But reflecting over the past year, as it turns out, by not making plans I actually got more accomplished than I even wanted to.
So I won’t be participating in sober January (True story—a drinking buddy of mine and I went sober for 30 days about 10 years ago and our favorite bar shut down) or giving up carbs, or adopting a refugee, or cleaning homeless shelters.  But maybe I’ll spend more time with that harmonica I’ve been staring at.  And I’d like to find myself alone in the woods for a few days sometime soon.  

And hopefully—with this being the last year of my 30s—I can figure out how to be a more honest person.  I mean, I am honest in that I don’t use Photoshop and I’ll admit to having High School Musical in my Netflix queue, and I don’t steal.  OK, office supplies and restaurant dishes, but not like cars or money… But I do find myself in denial a lot these days, and looking back I realize this isn’t new for me.  I pretend a lot.  Trust me when I tell you I’m an Oscar worthy actress.  And I’m always the life of the party.  But I don’t share my real joy—for fear I will be made to feel guilty for my happiness.  And I don’t share my real struggles—for fear you will all have something better to do. And I pretend to believe you when you talk—you’ve probably seen that in my face before.  Lucky for you though, I can’t hide my crazy. Every one of you gets that at face value.
Anyway, 2016 is the year I’ve decided to start being honest with myself.  Because, honestly, I’m about halfway done here.  So I’m gonna get to know me better.  And so are you.