#FBF

Let’s flash all the way back last Thursday, when the Governor had declared a state of emergency amid already flooded regions south and west, and ahead of Hurricane Joaquin.  I’m usually not a panicker—I’ve survived a flood myself.  And a three week power outage in August.  Every store within 20 miles sold out of ice.  So I bought beer instead and put it in a bathtub full of cold water.  (Spoiler alert: It turned into a party.) But last Thursday my fridge was already starting to remind me of my college days, so just in case, I made the mistake of making a “quick” trip to the grocery store.  

The show started in the parking lot-nowhere to park-a man with a hood, head down, running for his life with a cart overflowing with cases of soda, lost his footing and had a yard sale all over the pavement.  I feel like I should mention here that it wasn’t even raining yet.  So obviously inside was absolute madness.  It was like witnessing the annual Barney’s sale, guy with less $80 cashmere and more off brand cereal.   There was a feeble old lady muddling through in one of those scooter/cart hybrids.  She was alone, and struggling to get out of it to get her hands on something canned.  I thought hard about it, but my famous instant instinct kicked in and something told me not to help her.  So I turned back the other way, only to make eye contact with a small, smiley Jew (who, going forward will be referred to as the Rabbi) in the same aisle.  I assume he saw the whole thing.  Just as I passed him he turned in the same direction and followed so close behind me I could actually feel him.  What could the universe possibly be trying to tell me with this?  That I should be thinking of how I can be a more effectual human being in this time of crisis?  Probably.  My guilty conscious usually wins.

So about 10 minutes and 3 collisions later I ran into Grandma Moses in the scooter again.  So I thought, oh here’s my shot at redemption.  Mostly I just needed her out of my way.  Just as I started toward her another lady walks up and hands Grandma what she had been trying to reach.  The Good Samaritan gave her a nod, and walked away.  The old woman stared at what she had in her hand and let it sink in.  Then she started screaming.—THIS IS THE WRONG ONE!! YOU GAVE ME THE WRONG THING!!  THIS IS…

My instant instinct usually wins.

 

Finally at the register, I left my case of water in the cart.  Because I’m lazy.  And can’t lift a cotton ball by myself.  And because the counter had a break in it for the cashier to use the scanner gun thing without anyone moving a muscle.  While I was being rung up I listened to the mentally challenged bagboy give an updated weather report to everyone who walked by him.  I watched his googly eyes roll every which way, and independently of each other.   I realized the miniature cashier with horrible glasses and two wrist braces did not see the water, so I told her I had it. Instead of using the resources she had right there in front of her.  She walked all the way around the counter, hoisted the water out of the cart with her 23 pound body, and schlepped  it all the way back around to her side of the register.  And who should walk up behind me while I stood doing nothing?  The. Fucking. Rabbi.  With his smiley face and his environmentally friendly reusable tote.  Ugh!!  It is official.  I will not be resurrected at End of Days.

 

I risked life and limb, and my eternal soul.  And I walked out with a 12 pack of Coke, sesame seed buns (?), 3 frozen pizzas, bananas, 2 cans of Spaghettios, and a can of store brand peanuts.   If I can’t take care of my family during a weather emergency, I don’t know who can… But I did get that case of bottled water.  Which currently sits unopened on the desk in the guest room.