I've come to realize I was never really doe-eyed. No one ever offered to whisk me away and teach me the ways of the world. No one took advantage of my naivety. No one ever pushed the smart, serious girl aside for me, because I was the smart, serious girl. And from the start I was somehow already old enough to know better.
But I get it now.
The fascination with all those young, unblemished dumb girls. Their high asses and taut bellies. Their clean skin. The way they help themselves to your lap with no fear of rejection. Their complete lack of desperation as if it weren't even a concept. The way they ask if you've ever heard of a band, not knowing you've fucked your way through its members. The way they only want to know about you-your favorite record, what you think, how you sleep, how you knew when...
How disposable they are.
You wonder if they will have a one that got away, or grow up to nag incessantly, or run a tight ship in the carpool line, or chain smoke and wait tables for the rest of their lives. What they will think of you one day when they are your age and have daughters. You wonder, then you throw them away.
And I understand this now. It doesn't make it any more acceptable. Or any less sorry. But I get it.
I've missed out on something.
No comments :
Post a Comment