I love Super Bowl Sunday. Some of my best drinking stories, hook ups, recipes, athleisure outfits, and what the fucks come from that day. But I'm the 'only in it for the commercials and chicken wings (and occasional half-time controversy)' asshole. I know nothing about football.
The only sport my Dad cared about was boxing--so instead of Friday night lights, I grew up with Friday Night Fights on HBO. Eating Mary Janes on the couch beside him. I'd pull them and twist them. Wrap them around my finger. And every time he'd tell me not to play with my gum, reach for a Marlboro red and move his headphones off one ear so he could hear the TV and whatever was playing in his head at the same time.
I vaguely remember my brother having a Pittsburgh Steelers belt in high school but I never saw him watch a game. And I know he didn't play. In fact the only ball I even remember being in the house was probably for the dog. So I learned to celebrate America's great athletic past times with a cocktail and a perfectly useless pair of fashion sneakers.
It stands to reason that my championship picks are in such high demand. You don't need stats or plays or even the players' names to know who's gonna win these things. All you really need is good sound logic.
I'm told this year the New England Patriots are up against the Atlanta Falcons...
The word patriot of course brings to mind conservative politics. Those described as "true patriots" tend to be your John McCain, American Sniper types. However, New England as a general rule skews liberal. The so-called tree huggers and hippies, Ben & Jerry and all that.
And it would appear as though the patriots are winning right now. They certainly did manage to turn democracy on its head. But, isn't the American way founded on the freedoms to disagree and voice descent? Are the liberal protests and rallies sprouting seemingly out of the ground not one of the most American priveleges we have? So are the patriots-in the most basic sense of the word-really losing? Or is the definition changing? And maybe patriotism actually is winning?
Atlanta has been a hot-bed for quite some time now. Atlanta is an alpha city. The Atlanta ladies consistently rank as the favorites among the Real Housewives fanatics. Atlanta gave us Goodie Mob and Killer Mike and Outkast. And Bubba Sparxxx. (I dare you to argue with Miss New Booty!) But Atlanta also gave us Young Thug and 2 Chainz, so... You can also find The Flying Biscuit, which is the best hangover food ever--period.
New England has Murder She Wrote.
Atlanta hosted the Olympics.
No state in New England ever has.
But Atlanta's Olympics were bombed...
The only Patriots player I am aware of is Tom Brady. Everyone loses their shit over him, but I just don't get the attraction. His eyes are shifty--I think one of them is actually lazy. (Would that pass a football physical?) And he left his pregnant wife/girlfriend for Giselle. (OK, it is Giselle.) But he wore a turtleneck in a mattress commercial, and that pretty much confirmed that I will never let him do it to me.
I don't know a single player on the Falcons.
Falcons have actually come back from extinction, and they are some of the fastest creatures on Earth. But they are trainable and somewhat controllable--even though a crazy glove is required to handle them. Patriots put themselves in harm's way for their cause. But the American Sniper died at the hands of some fuck up at a Podunk shooting range--and as of 2015 his widow was still wearing French acrylics.
A falcon will grab a patriot's labrador puppy right out of his own back yard. From! The! Sky!
I'm going with Falcons for the win.
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