Always spending all that stupid time with your band on the road...

And another Grammy Awards has come and gone.  Second verse, same as the first.  All the people I love and hate with all the potential in the world to bring the drama and do the damn thing.  Alas, just like last year the media's take on the whole thing was more interesting than the actual show.  Sooo...

Highlights. Lowlights. WTFs.--2017 Grammy Edition

We were on the right track when the fairest queen in all the land John Travolta introduced my all time favorite lesbian gym teacher Keith Urban (Sidenote: she should've won every award 'Blue Ain't Your Color' was nominated for).  But then a big loud mess happened when Kristin Wiig came out dancing in a skit about white girls in bad 80s movies.  Only it turns out that was actually Carrie Underwood dancing on purpose.

 

The sound quality was once again in the shitter.  And AGAIN--this gig is seriously only about music and sound quality.  It even prompted this tweet from my one true love Anne Murray.  Nothing has ever made me happier...gawd!!

— Anne Murray (@annemurray1) February 13, 2017

Again with the  tributes done by random artists thrown together who had nothing to do with anything.  And again somehow Demi Lovato ends up being the saving grace/show stopper of the whole thing.  I wish I could've given this one to Andra  Day, but she clearly had no idea where she even was.
The exception to this was Morris Day (obviously) and Bruno Mars performing for Prince.  A lot of people questioned Mars for this, but I thought it was perfect.  They're both tiny, pretty, brown men, and it was clear Mars is a fan.  He was having fun.  And wearing eyeliner.

 

Katy Perry makes me ill.  How is anything she did a "political statement" in any way?  Because she stood on a stage with a Marley?  Because she horrible danced with 1990s Christina Applegate hair? I'd still do it to her.


And then A Tribe Called Quest came out and destroyed everyone.  Just fuck everyone ever.  P.S.  'We the People' was recorded like an hour ago--so stop pretending you were listening to this song 20 years ago.  It. Didn't. Happen.


I was excited to see the Best Spoken Word Album nominees. Though I thought that category had been axed a few years ago.  Elvis Costello, John Doe, Patti Smith--all amazing. (Amy Schumer can eat a dick though.) And I'm not even sad they all lost out to Carol Burnett--because it's Carol Burnett. 

 

And finally, some coulda woulda shouldas and unsolicited opinions:

 

Alicia Keys makes my genitals explode every. single. time.
Is Beyoncé the only woman who's ever been pregnant ever?  Just wondering...
I hate everything about Ed Sheeran's new record.
How and why is Twenty One Pilots still a thing?
If Lady Gaga ever had a poser moment...

 

Why didn't we get to see

• Solange win Best R&B Performance?
• William Bell win Best Americana Album?
• Sturgill Simpson win Best Country Album?
• Cage the Elephant win Best Rock Album?  BTW--been following them since everyone thought they'd be one hit wonders.

Best Alternative Album should've gone to Bon Iver.  Don't get me wrong--I love Bowie (may he forever rest in peace and on my bedroom wall) and wouldn't begrudge him a win, but he won for everything.  Even packaging--which by the way, who gives a fuck?  But if I did, I'd have gone with Parquet Courts.

 

Anderson.Paak should've won Best Urban Contemporary.

 

Are you fucking serious with

• Justin Bieber nominated for Album of the Year--really?  I can see a nomination for pop vocal, but even with his competition in that category--really?  I do get the pop solo performance though.
• a nomination for 'I Took a Pill in Ibiza'?  First of all I feel like that song is fours years old.  Secondly, Mike Posner.
• that gold book, Beyoncé???!!!

And finally, Chance the Rapper only wins awards because white people aren't afraid him.  And I won't even entertain an educated "agree to disagree" conversation about that.