2. Why would anyone wear knock off TOMS? They are hideous and not really that comfortable and the only reason to buy them is to show the world that you are a selfless saint who will compromise style to make sure less fortunate orphans or whatever have a pair of shoes. If you wear knock off TOMS, you are a horrible human being. The end.
3. Pears are the sexiest fruit.
4. Why does Just Fab think my name is Debbie? Reason 915 why I have yet to shop with them.
5. Why is all the food labeled "snack size" food you would never make an actual meal out of anyway? Is anyone really eating Baby Ruths for dinner? Full disclosure: I have, I am, and will probably continue to do so.
6. This conversation:
Joe: I don't see how you can eat that blue cheese. Blue cheese tastes like the way crayons smell.
Me days later eating blue cheese in a salad and thinking to myself "damn it! he's right!": So
now you've ruined blue cheese for me. I think it's only fair that you know I don't like brie
because it tastes like semen."
Joe: The only thing I've taken away from this conversation is that semen must be delicious.
7. Almost everyone I meet is just a different version of someone I already know.
8. And it is likely that I have imagined what you look like as a muppet and/or a Planet of the Apes character. I'm probably doing it right now.
9. But I also think it's pretty rare for someone to be truly ugly. I can usually pick out something attractive about anyone's face. Even if they are wearing knock off TOMS.
10. Beautiful women usually have the most disgusting feet.
11. Why is there always an unwrapped baguette in a grocery bag on television--as if everyone only buys and eats bread that has been laying in the open air and rubbed against every homeless person on the subway before it makes its way into the kitchen.
12. Why has every city had a Great Fire or Great Flood?
13. Running away from home.
14. Watching Anne of Green Gables in elementary school.
15. Why are contest winners always so awful?
16. If an unwanted kiss or grope is now considered sexual assault across the board, how many times have I been sexually assaulted?
17. And how many times have I been the assaulter?
18. Death and dead bodies don't bother me. I think about this on a regular basis because chances are if there is a fatal car accident, I pass by before the carnage is covered up. I've somehow been present at enough deaths for this to be a thing.
19. "Sweet Nothings" I guess I don't understand this olden times term as a concept. Every song that mentions sweet nothings is usually about people who are fucking (or holding hands since it's 1960) on a regular basis. If these whispers were "nothing" then they would be more appropriate in a song like "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow" because obviously this guy is saying shit all willy-nilly to get into someone's pants. And therefore it truly means "nothing". Otherwise, it's just two people in love actually being nice to each other.
20. Do my pets realize when I'm naked?
21. I have to stop reading Chuck Klosterman. I can't write when I read his work for fear that I will totally rip off everything he puts on paper. He writes almost exactly the way I speak. He validates and shares almost all of my opinions. Reading Klosterman is like sitting on a friend's couch in your pajamas. He makes you feel better by not giving any advice at all, but just by letting you be disgusting and letting you know that he's been through the exact same ridiculous bullshit. He's not especially profound, just there to get stoned and help you eat a whole pizza, and probably be really uncomfortable when you cry. And he's probably heard this from all the girls, so it's really just best if Chuck and I break up.
22. Who decided what would be acceptable to eat? What asshole said 'let me break open this rock and see if something slimy is in it that I could put on a saltine'--or pulled a potato out of the dirt under a pile of buffalo turds and thought it would be a good idea to put it in their mouth? (And see, I almost said mastodon instead of buffalo because I just read this Klosterman thing about mastodons.) And to be fair--I know I am not in any way unique with this thought. It's a conversation that happens on a daily basis I'm sure.
23. Choosing between Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling. It's one of the hardest 'what if' scenarios I've ever had to ponder. Ryan G. is smoldering and sexy and sensitive and likely to just push me up against a wall and have a go. But Ryan R. would buy me a beer and make me laugh, and he doesn't seem to realize how freakishly beautiful he is, so I wouldn't be self conscious about my Michelin Man physique.
24. Exactly four months from today I will be 40.
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