2. I hate sports bras.
3. A grown adult woman can in fact live on animal crackers alone. (I may or may not have gone through a pound of them in three days.)
4. No one means it when they say, "no judgment here."
6. The good, the bad, the ugly of opioids.
7. Walking is weird.
8. Yawning hurts
9. Coughing is terrifying.
10. Sneezing is certain death.
11. People who choose elective surgery are retarded.
12. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is actually kind of horrible.
13. So is Law & Order.
14. It is possible to be starving to death and blindingly nauseous at the same time.
15. I'm not very good at extended down time.
16. Hospital vegetable broth tastes like ramen.
17. Animals really do know when something is wrong.
18. My wife thinks matzo is just salty communion.
19. To be grateful my midsection is made of cotton candy, actual muscle tone would've made this a lot worse.
20. Two weeks alone on a sofa is the saddest thing ever.
21. Grey t-shirts are essential to healing.
23. Having a drain removed from your body is rather unpleasant.
24. Records aren't as fun when you can't lie in the floor to listen to them.
25. Every noon news program has an awkward gardening Q & A segment.
26. My mailman is a dick.
27. Co-workers are gruesomely nosy.
28. I will not be acknowledging my navel ever again.
29. Antonio Sabato, Jr. is renovating houses now. And he's not that good at it.
30. Medical professionals are obsessed with bowel movements.
31. Fingerhut catalogs are wildly entertaining.
32. Missing out on all the fun stuff sucks--FOMO is real.
33. The human body is not a miracle masterpiece, it is vile and disgusting.
34. I hate Kelly Ripa.
35. There is an end to Netflix.
36. There is also an end of the internet.
37. And Twitter.
38. I am one window peek away from becoming Gladys Kravitz.
39. People really can be glued back together.
40. I am an excellent armchair detective.
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