The Billboard Music Awards. Everyone knows this is a shit
show. I mean there is no academy here; these are straight up Billboard chart
toppers-so everyone already knows how it ends.
Still, I can’t help but get sucked in.
I love every shitty minute of it.
But it was quite the snooze fest this year, and with half a Percocet
slowly dissolving in my system I found myself too exhausted to whole-heartedly
insult anyone. So here are my milk toast
observations on a milk toast show.
Why is there so much hair?
It just doesn’t make sense that Miss America would have the least amount
of hair of all the women on the stage.
Raquel Welch’s wig stock just hit the fucking roof. Side note: Miss America is allegedly
21 years old. *side eye* But I do
love that her name is Betty.
Mark Cuban—thanks for dressing up.
Oh Pink. I love
you. And I will not stop until you are
my next ex-wife. However, Just Like Fire
gets a solid no from me. I feel like I
should cut you some slack because this is for a movie, and that can get tricky.
But. You could’ve stayed with L.A. Reid
for that shit.
Tove Love—For some reason I really want to like her, but I
just can’t. She looks like a walking
blow job in the stockroom of a Payless shoe store.
Blake and Gwen. Am I
the only one who finds this embarrassing?
I mean don’t get me wrong-I’m really into that whole unexpected coupling
of cowboy meets rock star, but for the love of G-d have some respect for
yourselves. Your public eye-fucking is
out of hand.
Seal, please tell me what it is you have to do with anything. Especially Celine Dion.
Speaking of… Celine, thank you for being fully dressed. And looking least like a drag queen or dirty
toilet brush. And actually singing.
Ariana Grande. Could
someone tell me what is so dangerous about this baby giraffe? And, P.S. I can see your eyelash glue.
It makes me sad that Belinda Carlisle looks like a lady who
lunches now. And that’s all I can say about that.
If you can’t say anything nice…
- Troye Sivan
- Madonna’s whole whatever that was.
- Meghan Trainor—ok, I will say something here. Her name is…NO.
But on a positive note:
- I loved Rihanna, but I’m not sure how I feel about her looking showered.
- I loved Adele’s new video. It’s different for her and I’m into it.
- I loved that “Post to Be” won absolutely nothing.
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