Jaws Was Never My Scene and I Don't Like Star Wars...

I have a confession to make.  Along with having never been camping or never ever having had egg nog, I have also never seen Star Wars--nope none of them.  But I was born in the 70s and always knew the characters, so I get the gist.  Anyway,  I bought my nerd wife tickets for the The Force Awakens, and in trying to pretend to be interested, I guess I asked the wrong questions.  Well that was remedied pretty quickly because this weekend I was treated to a marathon so I will know what is happening come December 23 while I keep myself occupied  with a giant cherry coke and red vines.  

So to make life easier for those of you out there like me, the following are the White Girl Walkin Cliff's Notes of the Star Wars saga.  But be warned, if you are planning to watch for yourselves, there are spoilers.  And if you have seen the films and are a fan, well then I guess it's up to you to decide if we should still be friends.

The first film: A New Hope.  This is actually not the first chapter at all, this is part four of the story.  But when I asked why we weren't starting with the actual first one, there was a lot of huffing. Apparently the films telling the first three stories had Natalie Portman, Liam Neeson, and Jar Jar Binks in them which is horribly offensive to Star Wars purists.  So missing like the first six hours of the whole thing, here's where we begin:

Luke Skywalker is an orphan living with a strict uncle on a space farm, but all he wants is to be a pilot.  There's this nelly queen robot walking around with this short funny robot for comic relief. They're sort of like Bert and Ernie.  The Ernie robot accidentally shows a private film to Luke so Luke  wanders off on this mission to find the hot chick in the projection.  Somehow he hurts himself and Obi Wan Kenobi rescues him and tells him all about the force and a little about his (as far as we know) dead father.  Some more stuff happens and Luke's aunt and uncle end up dead so Luke is free to fight the empire.  Then he meets Princess Leia (the hot chick in the projection), and everybody meets Han Solo.  And some Top Gun stuff happens.  Apparently Obi Wan and Darth Vader come face to face and have a light saber fight, but I fell asleep during this part.  I'm told that's where Obi Wan died.  Then there's more Top Gun stuff and the Death Star (bad) gets obliterated by the good guys (Luke, Han, Leia).  Then at the end, Leia gives Luke and Han Olympic medals while Chewbacca stands there awkwardly because he's technically just like a pet and doesn't get a medal. 

The second film: The Empire Strikes Back opens in the North Pole where the Abominable Snowman attacks Luke and eats his ram-dinosaur thing.  Meanwhile, Han is trying to leave the Rebels (all the good guys) to pay off a debt.  But everyone is so worried about Luke that Han can't bring himself to go without finding him.  So he goes off into the blizzard and finds Luke freezing to death.  To save his life, Han cuts open his own ram-dinosaur thing and stuffs Luke inside his guts to warm him up. He lives.  He's in the hospital when Leia lays a big ol' kiss on him just to show off in front of Han--This will be important later.  When Luke gets better there is an attack on the Rebels by these giant metal elephants.  The Rebels win.  Then Luke is trying to go somewhere (?) and crash lands in this swamp where he meets Kermit the Frog's dementia stricken grandfather.  This turns out to be Yoda. For the next few weeks Yoda and Luke do this Karate Kid thing so Luke can learn to be a Jedi.  But he leaves early because he has this acid trip in the marsh.  In the meantime, Princess Leia is running around with all the hairstyles I ever saw my eastern European grandmother wear, and getting sexually harassed by Han and Billy Dee Williams. Billy Dee Williams ends up  betraying everyone and handing Leia, Han, Chewbacca, and Bert and Ernie to Jabba the Hut, who is bad and gross. But Han has to be frozen in carbon first, and the others get the opportunity to escape.  Luke finally meets Darth Vader, and Darth tells Luke that he is his father AND THEN CUTS OFF HIS HAND! But space hospitals can just give you a new one, so it's totally fine.  Now everyone is alive, but  they have to concentrate on getting Han out of the carbon.

The third and final film:  The Return of the Jedi opens with Luke now a Jedi master in a chic black uniform and riding boots.  Princess Leia tries to rescue Han from Jabba, but she gets caught and becomes Jabba's slave.  Famous Princess Leia bikini stuff happens, and Jabba is like a big phlegmy slug-booger-cat.  But then Bert and Ernie and Luke and Billy Dee come to rescue her.  Han is freed, but then the whole crew is taken out to this pirate ship in the desert to be eaten by a venus fly trap. Of course they escape, and Leia strangles Jabba to death with her slave chain. In the meantime,  the bad guys are building a new Death Star.  Luke goes back to Yoda to clear some things up, and then Yoda finally dies because he is like 900.  But this is where Luke discovers Leia is his sister-which is a little questionable because of all the previous sexual tension between them--and that hospital kiss.  While all this is happening everyone else ends up in a forest surrounded by teddy grahams.  Then they get attacked by more giant metal elephants and the teddy grahams help the Rebels destroy them all. Back at the new Death Star, Mr. Burns shows up in a cable knit hooded duster, and we start to see how Darth Vader turned bad. Luke confronts Darth Vader again and there is a lot of fighting, and then Luke CUTS OFF DARTH VADER'S HAND!  But then Luke is like "fuck this" I'm not fighting you, so Mr. Burns gets pissed and tries to electrocute Luke.  But Darth Vader is not havin' it because deep down he really is a good person, so he throws Mr. Burns to his death.  Luke and Darth make up, but Darth dies anyway, and Luke escapes with his body.  Some Top Gun stuff happens and the new Death Star blows up too, and with Darth and Mr. Burns dead, the whole galaxy is free again.  Luke has a private funeral for his dad, and all the teddy grahams celebrate with the good guys.  And all is right with the world.

The end.