How That Music Used to Make Me Smile...

How awkward were the American Music Awards?  Who decided Jay Pharoah and Gigi Hadid (and her Knots Landing hair) made a charismatic pair?  Why was everyone in the crowd 11 years old? Where did they find all those overly enthusiastic audience gays?  Why does Janelle Monae suddenly think she's Lynn Whitfield?  I may never know the answers to these conundrums.  But I do know this:

Uptown Funk already happened, Bruno Mars.  Please don't pull a Carrie Underwood and sing the same song for the rest of your jheri curled career.

Oh Twenty One Pilots--to be young and self-important again.  I'm so into your edgy image--it's clear you have a lot to say.  Unfortch, your lyrics don't say it.  I get it--you want your fans to be cutters, but instead you got white kids with dreads.  That's a tough one.  

Shawn Mendes gave me Jessie's Girl era Rick Springfield realness. 

It's so strange how jarring it is when actual talent shows up on an awards show.  Everyone is so shiny and pretty and immobile, and then along comes some asshole who didn't have time to brush his hair because he was busy being a person--or tuning his guitar.   Or how Sting was like someone's grandpa who couldn't be bothered to put a shirt on for company.  Because he doesn't have time to glue his eyelashes on, he's busy being Sting.  (Although I'm convinced he was the first man to pull duck lips.)

Is it me or does the Weeknd seem gayer?

John Legend, I love that you rocked one of Blanche Devereaux's old track jackets.  But please don't perform without the piano again.  It embarrassed me.

WTF Ariana Grande??!!  Good for you for learning to move less like a retarded giraffe, but was that your fucking grandma in the audience watching you flop all around in the sand with Nicki Minaj's vagina?

My second favorite thing about the whole show was all the girls losing their shit at the Justin Bieber show.  Crying, shaking, some of them looked like they were in a catatonic state.  I loved every minute of it.  My wife had the nerve to roll her eyes and laugh at them, but she cried at a fucking UB40 concert.  And not in 1988--it was like 3 months ago.

Lady Gaga once again tested my gag reflex.  Affecting that country sanger drawl.  Isn't she from Long Island or something?  I haven't been that offended since Iggy Azalea tried to go full T.I.  And besides, doesn't she know the only woman who can pull that off in country music is Keith Urban? P.S.  You're guitar isn't plugged in.

My very favorite thing about the American Music Awards was Robert Downey Jr.

Thank you Nicki Minaj, Rick Ross, Future,and August Alsina for not even attempting a lip sync game.  You all mostly just walked around with a mic to your mouths.  And I appreciate that.  No need to exhaust yourselves on my account.  Oh, and DJ Khaled--shut...the...fuck...up.  That is all.

And finally, the big finale.  Adam Levine in a dad sweater.  You really did it this time AMAs.  But ain't that America?