This happens all the time, it's detachable...

I know.  I’m behind on my review of the AMAs.   So I risk looking completely behind the eight ball in this “Next!”  world we live in, or just ignore that it even happened.  But everyone knows I live for an award show.  To be fair, I didn’t watch the whole thing.  I missed the hour between 9 and 10 EST.  Not because of The Walking Dead, but because I’m a grown up now and had to shop for Thanksgiving dinner, lest my guests be treated to an assortment of miss-matched beer,  week old kale, and extra firm tofu...

JLo—I’m disappointed that her first hosting dress of the evening looked like a badminton shuttlecock.  I like my JLo to constantly remind me that she is from the Bronx—which she did—and looking like one long monochromatic highlighter stick.  Like something I’d see in the Naked display at an Urban Decay counter.  Verdict:  I’d still let her do it to me.

5 Seconds of Summer—I admit I don’t know much about these twinks.  I’ve seen them here and there, but I just can’t be bothered to Google them, so if I’m out of line here apologies in advance.  Does Duran Duran know they’ve stolen their music?  I feel like I saw them covering The Kinks or something once too.  Is that their shtick?  Verdict:  None of them could do it to me.  In fact, I’m not sure I’m legally allowed to imply it.

Demi Lovato—I kind of hate girl power, independent woman anthem songs.   They are usually contrived and corny, and so is the smoky eye and red lip combo that usually accompanies them.  But Demi has her thigh and hot pants game together, even if she doesn’t know the words to the hardest Alanis Morrisette song every white girl does devil horn fingers to.   Verdict:  If she’s over 21 and “in a good place”, I’d prolly do it to her.

Meghan Trainor—I was ready for her 15 minutes to be over last year.   Only because her stuff was all novelty, and she always looked so terrified, and because she couldn’t walk in heels.  So good for her and her new block heel platforms and new found confidence.  And for her new boyfriend or whatever.  My question is, why would a woman made famous for trying to bring booty back (P.S. it already was) wear her Spanx backwards on national television?  Verdict:  Good for you for still dressing yourself in this point in your career.  Keep it grounded.

That eunuch from Pentatonix—Disconcerting. AND everything!!!!  Verdict:  I would definitely wear pajama pants and eat cupcakes with him.

Skrillex—Your new record sounds like you pulled a couple of records from Norman Cook’s bins.  No one believes you.  Verdict:  Why?

Justin Bieber—I’m comfortable enough with myself to admit that I don’t roll my eyes at or hate Justin Bieber.  I’d tried to decide a few years ago if he was going to go full douche and fade away when he started growing facial hair, or if he was going to transition into an everyman’s musical hard-on like Justin Timberlake.   Since he still isn’t growing facial hair yet, I’m not convinced.  I’m not really sure the direction he’s going.  What I do know is that he had an entire audience waving giant pink glowing dildos.  Some of them more enthusiastically than others… And until he pulled a Flashdance on one of Rhianna’s old sets, he was actually singing—which is more than we can say for some.  Verdict:  I would not let Justin Bieber do it to me.  But I would probably entertain an awkward conversation where he pursed his lips a lot and tried to sound mature while he stole glances at my boobs.  And I would know he was looking at my butt when I got up to go to the bathroom.  But then I would leave and he wouldn’t even walk me to my car, so I would leave him sitting at the bar while he asked the bartender how much everything cost.

Finally, it’s no wonder I found this little guy at some point during the viewing.  A general penis theme sort of ruled the night.  I think I wrote something a while back about a Dorito dusted dick…And there it is.

You’re welcome.