I know. I’m behind on my review of the AMAs. So I risk looking completely behind the
eight ball in this “Next!” world we live
in, or just ignore that it even happened.
But everyone knows I live for an award show. To be fair, I didn’t watch the whole
thing. I missed the hour between 9 and
10 EST. Not because of The Walking Dead,
but because I’m a grown up now and had to shop for Thanksgiving dinner, lest my
guests be treated to an assortment of miss-matched beer, week old kale, and extra firm tofu...
JLo—I’m disappointed that her first hosting dress of the evening
looked like a badminton shuttlecock. I
like my JLo to constantly remind me that she is from the Bronx—which she did—and
looking like one long monochromatic highlighter stick. Like something I’d see in the Naked display
at an Urban Decay counter. Verdict: I’d still let her do it to me.
5 Seconds of Summer—I admit I don’t know much about these
twinks. I’ve seen them here and there,
but I just can’t be bothered to Google them, so if I’m out of line here
apologies in advance. Does Duran Duran
know they’ve stolen their music? I feel
like I saw them covering The Kinks or something once too. Is that their shtick? Verdict:
None of them could do it to me.
In fact, I’m not sure I’m legally allowed to imply it.
Demi Lovato—I kind of hate girl power, independent woman
anthem songs. They are usually
contrived and corny, and so is the smoky eye and red lip combo that usually
accompanies them. But Demi has her thigh
and hot pants game together, even if she doesn’t know the words to the hardest
Alanis Morrisette song every white girl does devil horn fingers to. Verdict:
If she’s over 21 and “in a good place”, I’d prolly do it to her.
Meghan Trainor—I was ready for her 15 minutes to be over
last year. Only because her stuff was all
novelty, and she always looked so terrified, and because she couldn’t
walk in heels. So good for her and her
new block heel platforms and new found confidence. And for her new boyfriend or whatever. My question is, why would a woman made famous
for trying to bring booty back (P.S. it already was) wear her Spanx backwards
on national television? Verdict: Good for you for still dressing yourself in this point in your career. Keep it grounded.
That eunuch from Pentatonix—Disconcerting. AND everything!!!! Verdict:
I would definitely wear pajama pants and eat cupcakes with him.
Skrillex—Your new record sounds like you pulled a couple of
records from Norman Cook’s bins. No one
believes you. Verdict: Why?
Justin Bieber—I’m comfortable enough with myself to admit
that I don’t roll my eyes at or hate Justin Bieber. I’d tried to decide a few years ago if he was
going to go full douche and fade away when he started growing facial hair, or
if he was going to transition into an everyman’s musical hard-on like Justin
Timberlake. Since he still isn’t growing
facial hair yet, I’m not convinced.
I’m not really sure the direction he’s going. What I do know is that he had an entire audience
waving giant pink glowing dildos. Some
of them more enthusiastically than others… And until he pulled a Flashdance on
one of Rhianna’s old sets, he was actually singing—which is more than we can
say for some. Verdict: I would not let Justin Bieber do it to
me. But I would probably entertain an
awkward conversation where he pursed his lips a lot and tried to sound mature
while he stole glances at my boobs. And
I would know he was looking at my butt when I got up to go to the
bathroom. But then I would leave and he
wouldn’t even walk me to my car, so I would leave him sitting at the bar while
he asked the bartender how much everything cost.
Finally, it’s no wonder I found this little guy at some
point during the viewing. A general
penis theme sort of ruled the night. I
think I wrote something a while back about a Dorito dusted dick…And there it
is.
You’re welcome.
